The Power of Singledom: Why Some People Are Happier Not in a Relationships This Valentines Day
If there’s one thing people love to do at this time of year, it’s impart unsolicited opinions on being single.
There’s something about Valentine’s Day that opens the floodgates to your friends and family’s feelings on your relationship status – and if you’re currently relationship-less, these feelings are often a mixture of pity, confusion, and well-meaning (but patronizing) encouragement that usually goes along the lines of, “You just need to put yourself out there.”
What some people fail to realize, however, is that ‘there’ is a place many are happy not to visit right now. Despite how TV, film, and our grandmothers try to frame it, singledom isn’t a death sentence. In fact, for some people, the single life is the path to the happiest, calmest, and most centered lifestyle possible.
ARE WE HAPPIER ALONE?
If we’re not happier alone, then it’s strange to see how many of us choose that life. Only 35% of single women in the US are currently looking for relationships and marriage rates are plummeting worldwide.
It’s only recently that social researchers have started to study the pros and cons of singledom (most likely because societal prejudices creep into science, too). Now that we are, however, it’s becoming increasingly clear that riding solo has more mental and physical benefits than we thought.
THE BENEFITS OF SINGLEDOM
When you’re sans-partner, the biggest difference is that you have much more alone time. People tend to construe that as a bad thing, but that’s actually a huge part of why so many singletons beat out those in relationships in certain areas of life satisfaction.
Stronger friendships
Everyone knows someone (or has perhaps even been that person) who goes off the grid when they meet someone. It’s not a unique phenomenon – and, for some people, can continue well into their relationship as a couple grows increasingly insular.
“Coupled people, especially men, may lose their friends over time and find themselves lonely later in life,” Elyakim Kislev, author of Happy Singlehood, told TIME Magazine. Single people, however, don’t have that problem. They arrange the dinner dates, they travel with their besties, they stay up late catching up with that one friend they haven’t seen in a while. In short, when their social needs need to be met, they make plans to meet them. One study even found that it’s people who live with others – not the people who live alone – that feel more lonely.
More time for you
It’s cliché and cringe to say, but we’re going to say it anyway. You spend time alone with someone to get to know them, so it only makes sense that alone time is also the best path to self-discovery.
In 2016, a study from the University of California, Santa Barbara, confirmed that single people typically experience more personal growth. A separate study showed that life-long singletons not only have an increased sense of self-determination, but they also continue to develop for longer than those who get married.
“One of the most important relationships you will have is with yourself. Being single can provide a valuable opportunity to learn about your likes/dislikes, embrace your authentic self, and explore hobbies or activities you’ve been itching to try.” – Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D.
Independence has long been described as one of the cornerstones of happiness, and the truth is that singlehood is one of the best ways to learn self-sufficiency. There’s freedom in being able to fend for yourself – and if you’ve never learned that skill, it’s much harder if you’re suddenly thrown into a situation where this is necessary one day.
Finances and fitness also get a boost
Yes, it’s harder to finance a one-bedroom apartment solo than splitting it with someone else, and we won’t even get into how annoying it is to grocery shop as a single person. However, the numbers also show that single people tend to have less debt than couples (especially if these couples become parents).
Your fitness levels are also typically higher, too. Social psychologist Bella DePaulo previously described how women who have always been single tend to be physically healthier than married women, with fewer sick days and doctors’ visits. Again, this is mostly down to the amount of free time you have compared to those in a relationship, but could also play into that self-sufficiency we mentioned before.
BUT THIS ISN’T TRUE FOR EVERYONE
Logically speaking, we all have the ability to be happy and satisfied while single. However, experts have found that even if you embrace independence and freedom, it’s impossible to feel fulfilled if you still think romance is essential for happiness.
“Wanting a relationship more only emphasizes the gap between one’s reality and one’s desire,” Kislev says. Those who focus on wanting a relationship “often find themselves miserable, which only feeds into more failed dates in a vicious circle.” In essence, the less you care about someone else making you happy, the happier you’ll be.
TO BE SINGLE OR NOT TO BE SINGLE
At the same time, there’s no shame in wanting a relationship. Everybody is different. Kislev has found that there’s a common thread between those who do choose to stay single for longer. These people “cherish freedom, independence, and even creativity and nonconformity more than others.”
If that’s not you, then your wants and desires are just as valid as someone who wants to be single. As Meg says in Little Women, “Just because my dreams are different than yours doesn't mean they're unimportant.” As long as you love you, too, you’re doing nothing wrong.
But in the meantime, here’s your sign to appreciate singlehood in the way the single-by-choice do, too. Life is totally in your hands. You get to choose the film, you decide the temperature, you pick the vacation destination, and you set the morning alarm. For now, you’re in charge – and what’s more romantic than that?
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